A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Screwed.edu
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have fence marks all over my body
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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