If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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