i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
