All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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