I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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