My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
