From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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