the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
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so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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