we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
