either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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