I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
