omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
