I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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