Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
