I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
