I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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