I swear god or herbie drove my car home
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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