i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
