Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
