it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
