never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
