Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We have so much sex to catch up on
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
