Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Houston, we have a squirter
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
