life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later