I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks