perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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