rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
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all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
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"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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