If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
