I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
