it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is Oprah even human
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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