i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
