I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
