Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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