Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
