What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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