The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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