I think i peed on brittanys purse
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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