God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
