i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
