I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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