I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
