I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
