dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
