dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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