My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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