you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
