I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
