i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
