just survived the first fart of the relationship.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
