I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
