Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
