Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
