I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
