Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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