I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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