so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
