From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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