I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize