My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
