I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
