I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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