I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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